Precious Moments

My four-year-old son asked me to break one of my rules tonight and sleep in his bed. This is something I don't do unless my boys are sick or injured or otherwise need my watchful eye during the night. Mostly because I encourage them to develop security and comfort in their own beds, only coming to mine after a bad dream or when they aren't well. Partly, too, because I've learned the hard way that sleeping in close proximity to my boys means the possibility of having the wind knocked out of me when I get a kick to the rib while I was otherwise happily lost in dreamland.

But, he asked, and for some reason I felt compelled to grant his request. I told him to go to sleep, and I would come in after my school work was done, which I did. I crawled into his bed (which, just so you know, is so delightfully comfortable I'm thinking about trading in my own grown up bed for one of those flimsy looking but surprisingly comfy IKEA mattresses), and about two minutes later he rolled over and without opening his eyes, said to me, "You said you would lay with me tonight."

I grabbed his little hand and was going to answer him, but he was already back asleep. And I thought to myself, "How precious is this?" But I realize I find myself thinking that quite often. On a daily basis, probably. And that is because every moment, every breathing minute we spend with our children, is precious. Even the ones camouflaged in tantrums and tears and rolled eyes. Every moment is one to be appreciated for what it is.

It's either a moment to be treasured; to be stored in our memory so we can look back on it when our children are grown and gone. Those teeny tiny moments that come together to build their character and dynamic individuality and which form bonds between loved ones. Or it's a moment to teach our children something; how to handle their distress when the birthday gifts aren't meant for them, or that we prevent them from eating too much sugar because we love them and don't want to see them with belly aches and we want them to learn about self control and discipline, and that all good things should come in moderation. Or it's a moment for us to stop and learn from them; to see the world from their perspective, to marvel at the little things we take for granted, like a butterfly about to emerge from its chrysalis.

Above is a picture, literally from the viewpoint of a four-year-old, as he sets up a play date with his pet dragon and creates friends from his imagination. Today, take a moment, not to smell the roses, but to bend down and see them from eye level, as a child would do.

Are you ready to say goodbye forever?

It has been said that the oil spill in the Gulf Coast is the single largest natural disaster to hit our earth to date. I certainly hope it is the largest one I will ever see, because the tragedy it has caused to our ecosystem and wildlife is heartbreaking, and I could not imagine watching our earth endure anything more.

Species are being threatened into extinction, including some species of sea turtles, whose existence already hung on by a fragile thread.

If we must believe everything happens for a reason, or if not, that we should find a purpose in what happens, then please let this be a lesson to treat our earth a little- no, a lot better. It is not our right to damage what does not belong to us.

"Treat the earth well: it was not given to you by your parents,

it was loaned to you by your children."

-Ancient Indian Proverb

*The drawing was done by me, based on a picture found online. Rights to the photo unknown.

Decisions

In my last blog post I talked about writing and making the decision to put real effort into it, or whether to dedicate my time to other aspects of my life. A day or two after I wrote about it, I was still thinking about it, trying to decide what felt right in my heart. I was really torn, because right now, I don't have a lot of extra time to spend doing something which ultimately is unproductive.

So, the story continues as I sat at the mall on a day that was too hot for my children to play outside. They were playing in the kid area, making friends and burning off some energy, and I browsed through the e-reader app on my phone.

I was not looking for anything about publishing, but came across a popular e-book that discussed how to publish your own e-book. This piqued my interest, as my brother has been discussing his desire for an e-reader, and the popularity of these devices certainly have gone up since the iPad and Nook came on the market. Personally, I love the feel of an actual book in my hand, but I know our culture is a big fan of convenience as well as tech gadgets.

As I browsed through this e-book, I realized it was something I could do, and was perhaps the answer to the questions I'd been asking myself since my last blog.

So, in accordance with my personality, I typically think about decisions quite a lot before I'm ready to commit to a definitive answer. This can be a positive thing, but it can bite me right in the ass at times. The good thing is that when I do make a decision, I know I've considered it from all angles and when that decision is made, I have a lot of peace and confidence in it. The downfall is that sometimes I get so caught up in the pros and cons and what-ifs and maybes that I never feel comfortable making a decision.

This time, I was able to make a decision and put it into action right away. I had the idea, and I had the resolve. So I set my fingers to the keyboard and I wrote a novel. I spent about nine days actually working on it, and in the interest of not letting anxiety get the best of me, I have published it and it is available online already. It is currently available in only the one venue, but will soon be available on other online retail markets, including Barnes & Noble and at Apple.

My lost blog

In the past few months, I've been thinking a lot about my writing. It's something that has been part of my life not necessarily as a hobby, and not necessarily as a job, but something in between. I did a lot of writing in high school for things like the yearbook, and I certainly do a lot of writing for school. I've won a few minor poetry and literary contests, but the thought of doing more with it is daunting. Writing is a very difficult field to break into and it seems almost absurd to try, unless you are famous or have so much money that you can self-publish and be certain you can advertise for yourself.

And then I decided this; the last year has taught me nothing if not that I need to appreciate what I have. What I have right now is a lot of responsibility- the kind of responsibility that comes with being a mom, being a full-time student, being a home owner, and so on. What I have is a lot of residual frustration at the lack of energy I have after my health complications, and a lot of learning left to do about how to manage my diagnoses. (No, I didn't spell that wrong. I walked away from my fifteen or so trips to the hospital with confirmed tachycardia, vaso depressive syncope, and hypoglycemia. Whether those are all related or not, the doctors are still unsure, but I do know that I still experience the symptoms from all three to some degree.) What I have is a lot of uncertainty about how I am going to manage to finish school, do my student teaching (which, may I remind you, is essentially a non-paying full-time job), and have two children in two different schools. Braeden is going into first grade this year and I am looking for a preschool program for Tanner.

But the other thing that I have is the desire to fulfill some goals. One of which is to see if writing is meant to be a part of my future or not. When I have no more need for academic writing, will there still be a place in this world for my thoughts on paper? It's time for me to either put the effort into finding out, or put the idea to bed altogether. I'm not ready to pull the sheets over that one yet (no pun intended).

Thankful Thursday

"Prayers go up, and blessings come down" -Yiddish Proverb

It's been too long since I've done a Thankful Thursday post; my post today is simple and easy. But oh, so meaningful. I'm thankful that my blessings are too many to count, and I'm thankful for prayer. For all of my friends who pray for me in every situation. For all my friends who I see pray for one another. For the prayers that I can say for friends, and feel that even when I can do nothing else, I can do that in their favor. For prayers that I can say for strangers that I've never even met, and know that God is still listening with the same intensity as He does when I'm praying for those who are dearest to my heart. For the prayers that get answered. For the blessings that come from prayers.

Kevin, my fiance, and I were having a conversation via text message today. The topic at the moment was my health situation, because I've been getting more and more frustrated lately. Kevin said that I would be well in God's time. I don't know why God has this planned for me, but I certainly know what I can do about it. ;)

"Prayer is not a woman's idle amusement. Properly understood and applied, it is the most potent instrument of action." -Mahatma Gandhi

Life: more tests and trials

Clearly I've been absent for awhile. So much has happened in the last few months. It feels surreal when I think about it all. In a nutshell, I got engaged, I bought a house, I was homeless for two weeks, I moved into the new house, I adopted two new puppies, I transferred jobs, I continued with school, and I got desperately ill, though not in that particular order.

At times I felt like I was being tested beyond my limits, but clearly my limits are more far-reaching that I had imagined, because here I am, still standing, still breathing, still living. I'm not sure what the purpose was for this journey, but I certainly was reminded that my faith and my family will get me through any and all trials.

The worst of these was the turn in my health. Almost overnight, I went from an active working, hiking, playdate-going, girls'-night-outter, road trip-taking, photographing, crafting, studying, reading mommy to barely being able to stand on my own two feet without tipping over.

At first I mistook my own symptoms for migraines and asthma attacks. I would have these weird episodes where I suddenly wouldn't feel well, and often my throat would get very tight, I'd get short of breath, and my head would hurt very badly. As time went on, the episodes got more frequent and more severe, and I became nauseous and dizzy. Then my hands and feet started to swell and I noticed my heart would race, but I would be extremely, ridiculously fatigued.

My first trip to the emergency room led to a diagnosis of migraines. My second, to asthma. My third, I was hospitalized, because they realized there was an issue going on with my heart. I was admitted to the heart floor of the local hospital. I was released on my fourth day, without a diagnosis or treatment, and had to be readmitted the next day. I was there for three more days, and again released without a diagnosis, but this time with a plan to try to find one.

I was ordered a holter monitor by my cardiologist and was supposed to wear it for 30 days. Two weeks in, my doctor did a "tilt test" and was able to positively diagnose me with vasodepressive syncope and sinus tachycardia. Whew. I was assured that this condition, while terribly uncomfortable and inconvenient, is not life threatening. I will have it for the rest of my life, and I have yet to find a successful treatment, but having a diagnosis is half the battle, and I am very grateful for that.

Now that I look at the clock and see that it is officially Thanksgiving Day, let me also tell you how terribly thankful I am that I have been blessed with my wonderful, loving family. My fiance, Kevin, has remained faithfully by my side through all of this. Our four boys continue to be the light of my life. My mom, my brothers, my grandparents, my best friends, my etsy family, my church family- all continue to be there for me, to love me, to support me, and to guide me. I can only hope that I fulfill as purposeful a role in their lives, as they do in mine.

Ink Tattoo

On a recent trip to Denver, Colorado my friends Stacey and Eric of Ink Tattoo invited my boyfriend and I to stop in and spend the afternoon with them. I accepted with great anticipation and could not wait to meet my Etsy friend in person for the first time.

Stacey and Eric set us up with two of their very talented artists to give us tattoos. I got a cross I've been wanting for several years, and Kevin got his arm tattoo touched up, and added to his back piece. We were both thrilled with the results!




After our tats were done, Stacey and Eric invited us to their house, where we ate and chatted, sharing stories and laughter and had a most fabulous time. They even showed us around their press, where they make shirts for InkWear. We got to see some of their shoes in progress, but those are not from a press. Each pair is unique and completely hand drawn, and they are absolutely amazing. I have a pair with orange lillies and every time I wear them, people must know where I got them.

Celebrating Life

If you read my last post, you know where this is coming from. Being faced with a tragic loss forces you to choose how to look at life; become sad and passive, or appreciate everyday and take it as a gift. Not that everybody who knew Sara isn't still grieving- that process will continue on for quite some time. But it has also caused me to take the time to enjoy life and my loved ones.

Since losing Sara I have prayed every day for her and her family, that she knows how much she is still loved and missed, and that all those affected find peace and hope. At the same time, I have tried to find magic in the little moments again- something that is easily lost in the everyday hustle and bustle and the demands and stresses of day to day life.

I have taken my children camping and fishing, where we explored the wonders of the outdoors, including all the pinecones and bugs that any boy could ever want, and practiced casting fishing poles and reeling them in, but mostly reeling them in because let's face it, playing with a string that winds quickly around a hunk of metal by turning a handle is very amusing when you are three or five years old.

We went outside on an unseasonably cool summer night and decorated the sidewalk, collecting the attention of the neighbors driving by and slowing down to admire their artwork.

We turned dinner into a project, allowing the boys to heap on piles of cheese and olives and pepperoni onto dough and make their very own mini pizzas that they ate with pride and vigor.

We spent time playing in the water at a friend's house, splashing and laughing and enjoying the time outdoors (and perhaps testing the weight limits of inflatable water slides).

We celebrated birthdays, because life does go on and it's vital to recognize that each milestone deserves to be recognized, not only because it is special to each individual, but because each one is an opportunity to be with family and friends, and because every opportunity to spend time and make new memories and share your love should be seized.

To you, Beloved Sara

My last blog post was for my boys' birthdays. Just a few days after celebrating the births of my children, we unexpectedly lost another very important member of our family. My brother's long time girlfriend passed away May 19, of an accidental gunshot wound. Sara was beautiful, vibrant, friendly and funny. I was always amused at how she interacted with my brother, putting up with his antics and throwing her own right back at him.


Sara deserves some enormous angel wings just for how happy she made my brother. He loved her to pieces and I know he always will. We all will. She had an amazing heart that made its stamp onto your own heart when you met her. Sara, until we meet again. I miss you and love you always.

Happy Birthday to My (not-so) Babies

Birthday cakes, candles, wishes:

This month I wish both of my boys a very happy birthday. Here they are making their birthday wishes as they blow the candles out simultaneously on their cakes (of course Mommy made her own wishes for them both). Braeden had a skateboard cake; all too fitting since he has waited two years to be allowed to have a skateboard. Tanner had a Thomas cake since he still loves all things "choo-choo" but especially Thomas.

Tanner celebrated his birthday first, turning three on May 4th.

Here's my Braeden, who turns five today, proudly showing off his skateboard.

There go my babes. Among my wishes for them: to always find friendship in brotherhood, to learn to live side by side, and to lean on each other when they need to while respecting one another as individuals. May this wish continue to hold true.